I wish I could write eloquently and explain the deepest parts of me (which at times are honestly not that deep) with impassioned prose that would sweep every audience away – but alas – I cannot! Thus, if you will indulge me, I’ll borrow from the writing of Paul. My “faith autobiography” could best be summed up by Ephesians 2:1-10 –
And [I] w[as] dead in [my] trespasses and sins, [2] in which [I] formerly walked according to the course of this world, according to the prince of the power of the air, of the spirit that is now working in the sons of disobedience. [3] Among them [I] too formerly lived in the lusts of [my] flesh, indulging the desires of [my] flesh and of [my] mind, and w[as] by nature [a child] of wrath, even as the rest. [4] But God, being rich in mercy, because of His great love with which He loved [me], [5] even when [I] was dead in [my] transgressions, made [me] alive together with Christ (by grace [I] have been saved), [6] and raised [me] up with Him, and seated [me] with Him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, [7] so that in the ages to come He might show the surpassing riches of His grace in kindness toward [me] in Christ Jesus. [8] For by grace [I] have been saved through faith; and that not of [my]self, it is the gift of God; [9] not as a result of works, so that [I] may not boast. [10] For [I] am His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared before hand so that [I] would walk in them.
That pretty well sums it up – I was dead, worthless, hopeless, lost. But, based on nothing short of the grace of a God who loves me more than any human capacity would allow, I have been made new. I have been given hope. I have been given purpose. I have been showered with kindness. Not for my own good, or so that I could boast in my redemption, but so that God might use me to reveal Himself through me to a world who needs that same grace, hope, and purpose.
Non and I have talked about this at some length – I’m not exactly sure how I came to a point of faith. (Faith being, as Hebrews 1:1 puts it – “the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.”) I am sure that a lot of it has to do with the faithful heritage of my family. I am a product of two of the most amazing people I know—my Dad and Mom. Both are Christians. Both lived (and thankfully continue to live) lives that demonstrate God’s perfect plan of redemption. At some point in that exposure, that message sunk in and was real to me. I have been asked what would happen to my faith were my parents suddenly to renounce theirs. It would be tremendously difficult for me, but at this point in my life I really do feel that my faith has become my own.
I don’t have some dramatic story of being rescued from drugs, alcohol, a battered relationship, the brink of death, etc. In a way that makes my story “less impressive” or “dramatic”. Sometimes I wish I’d had that type of experience so that I could point to an obvious time in my life where God swept in and my life was radically different (and yet what a blessing to be spared the trauma of such struggles!)—I used to be really shy about telling people I was a Christian, or explaining my faith because I didn’t have a “Damascus Road Experience”. (For those who wonder – Saul was on the Road to Damascus when God appeared to him, radically changed his life, and named him Paul. From that date on Paul was a follower of Christ.) I can, however, point to a specific day in my childhood on which the truth of the gospel became real to me personally and I “accepted Jesus”. Yet that day was but a dot on the timeline of my life and faith.
People who know me know I am a neurotic, goal-oriented, planning perfectionist. This has lead me, I’m ashamed to say, at many points in my life to seek God for the next step, the next goal, the next direction, the next comfort – only to dismiss Him, thank Him for the help, and set Him aside so that I could press on in my own strength and ability. I don’t need to finish this tale—we know where it goes—no where good. And so it is that time and time again, while pursuing “good” things I have fallen on my face and reached new points of desperation or discouragement. Yet God, in all His grace, has ALWAYS been there to “shower me with kindness”, and to perfect His strength in my weakness. It has been through these cycles of stupidity and struggle with self that I have learned more and more of God’s love and grace.
As a part of my journey God gave me an amazing gift – yet another which I could never deserve – the bestest spouse in the WHOLE WORLD EVER!! (Really – he is!) Being married has added a new dimension in my faith journey, as “Husband” and I are learning to walk together, seeking as a couple to know who God is and what He has for us as a family. The experience has truly been life changing. As uptight and neurotic as I can be, “Husband” provides the perfect balance – playing out for me a wonderful picture of unconditional love, protection, and encouragement that has helped me to understand and appreciate God in ways I never before thought possible.
In one of our discussions Non mentioned his belief that religion, God, faith, etc. was merely a creation of civilization to answer the greater question – “Why??” (Not trying to put words in Non’s mouth—be sure to check out
‘who is Non’ for his own perspective.) To my way of thinking that is exactly backwards—faith was not created by civilization. Rather, civilization was created
by God
for faith, so that we
would ask “Why", i.e., so that we would seek and know the true and highest purpose in this life: to know God and to worship Him forever.
I realize all of this may sound like a lot of mumbo-jumbo. But I can tell you, in my life it is as real as the rising and setting of the sun. Obviously this post presents no fool-proof logic or exact science to explain God, or even my faith in Him. Perhaps in the days and weeks ahead I will make such an attempt. But for today this gives you, the brave and (no doubt) the few who are still reading, and idea of where I’m coming from—my baseline, if you will, from which I will relate my thoughts.
